Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
