shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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