the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
