It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
