some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
