I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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