nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Boobs speak an international language.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
