you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
