Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
