I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
