You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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