Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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