i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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