If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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