I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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