and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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