Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
