Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize