I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
