No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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