It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
