He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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