I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
