look no pants
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize