your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
