you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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