my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
