yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Randomize
