I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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