I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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