My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
