I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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