I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
