I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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