ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
