I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
