Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
