Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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