Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize