while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
