Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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