I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
whose parrot is this?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
