You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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