Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
