when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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