A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
