my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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