She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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