even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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