is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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