It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Also, beer. Big fan.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
