I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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