I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
