My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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