Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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