I just saw a hot homeless man
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize