cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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