wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
