Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
