how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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