THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
