whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize