I faked an abortion last night.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
