what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize