remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
