I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize